straight to the point – from different points of view

A capitals fellow by Kevin Baldeosingh

A capitals fellow by Kevin Baldeosingh

According to Health Minister Fuad Khan, House Speaker Wade Mark did not lie to Parliament when he said he had received a notice from the High Court, because Mark never said he had received a Notice from the High Court.

Minister Khan said this to the Lower House last Friday during a no-confidence motion against the Speaker, arguing that Mark had used the term “notice” with a lower-case n, whereas an official Notice from the judiciary has a capital N. Khan’s argument was that Mark was merely indicating that he had gotten a document about a High Court case involving the private motion against Finance Minister Larry Howai because, if Mark had meant to say he had gotten a missive from the judiciary, he would have said he had received a Notice, not a notice.
Now you might find it astounding that, just by hearing him, Khan knew that the Speaker was using a common n instead of a capital N. But Wade Mark very likely learned to speak in capitals as soon as he was old enough to realise that both his names were verbs. And Fuad Khan himself is probably sensitive about capitals due to a fear of being mistaken for tinned goods.
Now, as a writer, I cannot dismiss Dr Khan’s argument since I am very aware that capitals can alter the entire meaning of a sentence. If, for example, I wrote “Khan is a fool”, this would be an insult. If, however, I wrote “Khan is a Fool”, then I would be complimenting him since, in English Literature, the Fool is the character who sees the truth and speaks it. So it may well be that, in arguing that Wade Mark spoke in lower-case, Khan is playing the Fool rather than being an actual fool.
Similarly, if the press release from the judiciary had stated that “no Notice, letter or any other communication on the matter was forwarded by the high court,” Speaker Mark could have taken this to mean that Chief Justice Ivor Archie was smoking the weed he wants to decriminalise. Moreover, although it turned out that the notice had come from Howai himself, Mark may have omitted this information from his statement because Howai came into Government as a $10 million finance Minister and, as a former trade unionist, Mark is of course anti-capitalist.
This is why it’s important to refer to Mark as the Speaker of the House, rather than the speaker of the house, since in the latter case he would merely be a man who talks as though he has constipation at home. However, by using capitals, it becomes clear that Mark is an official who talks as though he has constipation in Parliament. And using the properly capitalised letterhead from his Office allowed him to capitalise on policies at the Arthur Lok Jack School of Business so he could write an examination in a room by himself and get a Master’s degree.
This is also why Members of Parliament are called “Honourable” instead of “honourable”. You see, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, the latter term means “bringing or worthy of honour” where “honour” means “a clear sense of what is morally right”. But “Honourable”, with a capital H, only means “a title given to certain high officials”, which is why Super Industrial Services (SIS) can get capital gains by squatting on State land. The same rule allows us to remain straight-faced when Marlene MacDonald is named the Chief Whip. It also explains why Government Ministers hardly govern and never minister; why the Police Service neither serves nor polices; and why mullahs never mull.
Luckily for them, capital punishment only applies to the illiterate and poor. And, unluckily for us, all the leaders in this place have a lot in common.

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