straight to the point – from different points of view

15 resolutions for 2015 by Kevin Baldeosingh

15 resolutions for 2015 by Kevin Baldeosingh

Save for growing naturally curly hair, I do not consider myself a successful man. But, in 2015, I intend to do better. You see, I have spent 2014 analysing the attitudes and approaches of some of this country’s most successful individuals, and I have come up with 15 techniques which guarantee that, this year, I too can live free of taxes, laws, and laxatives.

(1)  I will win every battle I fight in 2015, by only fighting men in wheelchairs.
(2)  This year I will win the praises of the artsy crowd by pretending to go on a hunger strike. I will sit in the shade outside the Prime Minister’s office and eat KFC and drink Coca-Cola in order to protest the capitalist policies which are ruining the nation. Simultaneously, I will bring prestige to Trinidad and Tobago by trying to break the Guinness Book of World Records for eating chicken and drinking sweetdrink.
(3)  When the “End Call” button on my Android phone doesn’t work, I will accuse it of racism and sue Samsung for reparations.
(4)  I will start using my newspaper column to fulsomely praise the Prime Minister, hence ensuring that I either get appointed to a post from which I can tief millions of dollars; get a government communications job which pays five times my journalist’s salary; or become as respected a columnist as Capil Bissoon. Win, win, smirk.
(5)  I will place less value on money, knowing that $60,000 for erecting a billboard is small change when you’ve paid a man $34 million for no erections at all.
(6)  If my pen runs out of ink, I will accuse it of not liking Indians if the ink is black; not liking editors if the ink is red; and not liking sex if the ink is blue.
(7)  Whatever perks I get in my new post, I will make sure to ask for more and, if anybody questions my right to feed at the Treasury trough, I will warn them that I think I have powers they don’t think I think I have.
(8)  When commenting on any national issue, I will offer solutions that will impress the majority of citizens, such as licks, hanging, and more licks.
(9)  I will make sure that my newspaper columns have too many adjectives, a pompous tone, and plenty clichés. Then I will apply for a job as the public relations officer for the PNM and, using a recommendation from Roy Mitchell, I will surely be successful.
(10)  If my computer’s hard drive freezes, I will accuse it of feminism and re-boot it by arguing without facts.
(11)  I will start using some addictive drug, such as alcohol or cocaine or cinnamon buns. This will stop me thinking clearly or at all, which will make me more effective in my new role as a political appointee.
(12)  I will stop using statistics to reflect reality, and instead use them to exfoliate  – eg, instead of saying “the murder rate is 30 per 100,000 persons”, I’ll say “Murders have been reduced by over 50 percent in Skin Teeth Trace off Boluckshus Street in Laventille.”
(13)  If my stove runs out of gas while I’m cooking, I will send a complaint to the Integrity Commission about misfeasance by a politician, with a request for more gas.
(14)  I will become better at solving problems, by using prayer instead of research. This will save time, eyestrain, and cheese.
(15)  When my car tyre goes flat, I will accuse it of mocking women with no assets and sue Michelin for using sexist rubber.

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